Totally canon Not
by black colour vision
Summary: Supposed to be amusing look at what we as authors do to the HP universe. Harry finds himself very confused in the holidays. Post HBP, implied slash and multiple pairings between a few of our beloved characters, One shot.


Hi all

I got inspired by reading a site about all the abbreviations and words that are used in Fan Fiction.

Anyway . . . It's kind of AU and everyone is OOC.

It is meant to jokingly pay out fan fiction. But obviously I am not serious in my dislike, as here I am writing a ficlet.

It's probably very bad, and not even funny and incredibly confusing. . .but I hope someone, apart from me, gets something out of it.

Anyway enough explanation . . . I hope you enjoy it or find it slightly amusing, or something?

J.K.Rowling Owns Harry Potter and his Universe!

**WARNING!**

This is a Post HBP random ficlet.

Rated M!

This involves random pairings includingslash and old people (for those who are particularly squeamish (joking!)) so you have been warned.

* * *

**Totally canon! Not!**

Harry ascended the stairs to pack his trunk for the last time. A strange sense of melancholy settled over him. He knew he had made the right decision leaving Hogwarts though. There was nothing left here for him.

Well except Ginny.

Harry entered their dorm, and was shocked and slightly embarrassed to see Draco Malfoy sitting on Harry's bed wearing nothing but a towel.

Harry reached for his wand, a strange feeling welling inside him.

Draco smirked, "It's not there Potter, You won't find your wand anywhere."

"Malfoy! Give me back my wand!" Harry nearly shouted in confusion.

Draco looked out the window, "You've misplaced it for the summer, we all have."

"What are you talking about? Why are you here?"

Harry wondered if he was having hallucinations. If he was, he was going down to see Madam Pomfrey straight away. It would do him no good to have visions of Malfoy dressed only in a towel when he was trying to find and fight Voldemort. It could get quite distracting.

Draco looked at Harry, an incomprehensible emotion burning in his eyes. "That's ironic," Draco said dryly, "you don't even know."

By now Harry was really starting to panic, this was really weird. Was this some kind of distraction by the Death Eaters? Draco Malfoy in a towel was kind of a weak plan, he wouldn't put it past them.

"Spit it out Malfoy!"

Draco looked out the window again, "I thought we could be friends this summer, I decided not to join the Dark Lord, for now anyway, and I thought, you know, maybe we could f8ck around?"

Harry blinked, he had to be dreaming. No one swore at Hogwarts, not when people could hear anyway.

"What makes you think things will suddenly be different?"

Draco gave a small deep chuckle, "Nothing will be different Harry, except the fact that it is summer, school is out."

As far as Harry could tell, Draco was talking complete rubbish.

It was official:-Malfoy had gone mad.

Harry was still trying to figure out a reply when Malfoy moved off the bed and walked towards him. Harry expected to feel his body react with tension, but he felt crazily relaxed as he watched Malfoy stride over.

Relaxed, Harry's mind told him, relaxed, definitely not aroused.

Yet.

Some new sensation was definitely threatening to erupt inside of him as Malfoy leant and whispered in his ear, "This is all one big holiday."

Harry was momentarily distracted by the sensation of Malfoy's hot breath against his neck, before he realized he was stuck in the middle of a gigantic mystery that he needed to solve.

Harry tuned back in as Draco continued, "Nothing you do from now until she picks up the pen to write again has any significance."

"Wha?" Harry panted, pretending to believe that his panting was from the fact it was hot, it was nearly summer after all.

"It's holidays; she leaves us at the mercy of our past, our emotions and the imaginations of thousands of people world wide."

Harry wasn't even pretending to follow, he was way too distracted, Malfoy's hand was unbuttoning his shirt and he was powerless to stop it.

Draco continued, his mouth grazing Harry's ear with small open mouthed kisses, "It's like there is a higher power controlling us for the summer, and we do what they want us too."

"I see," Harry managed. Now really turned on.

Draco was attacking his neck.

Harry cursed the fact he had an incredibly sensitive neck.

Draco moved to look into Harry's green sexually frustrated eyes.

"Right now she wants you to show me exactly how obsessed you were with me this year."

Suddenly millions of images flashed through Harry's mind, he remembered all the dreams and longings that he had suppressed over the last six years.

He wanted Draco on every surface in Hogwarts.

At that moment when it seemed Draco was about to get the ride of his life, Ginny and Neville crashed into the room.

Harry watched in fascination as his girlfriend started ripping the clothes off Neville.

Draco smirked, "Don't worry about it Harry, she's under the control of a 13 year old from Texas."

"Note the total lack of imaginative fore play, the fact that it is totally unrealistic since she was painfully menstruating before the holidays struck, and now suddenly one day into the bloody horror it is suddenly gone?"

"Way too much information!"

Draco leaned in to kiss Harry on the lips.

"Wait! How does this count as imaginative foreplay?"

Draco sighed and shrugged, "Maybe she will give us some back story to explain it?"

* * *

Earlier that day

* * *

Minerva was crying silently at the top of the Astronomy Tower. She knew she had to be strong for the students, but the death of Albus weighed so heavily on her soul. 

"Harry had quite the obsession with Draco this year don't you reckon? It was fairly wise to split them up, create more tension ready for the big finale."

Minerva whirled, surprised at the voice.

She hesitated for a moment and then rushed into Albus' arms.

"After this year," she sobbed, "I wasn't sure if I would see you back again!"

Albus' eyes twinkled, "I'll be back every summer for you Minerva," he said gently as he stroked her graying hair with his now restored hand, "you should know that."

* * *

In an effort to distract our readers from the fact an a hundred and something year old man is making out with a woman much younger than him we will change scenes to the dungeons.

* * *

"Detention!" 

"Professor?"

"Out of bounds Miss Granger! It is officially summer holidays and you are not permitted to be in this section of the school. The train is leaving any moment, so why would a little Gryffindor like you be somewhere like this, unless she was up to some mischief?"

"Sir, well I was just hoping that you would be back for the holidays, I have been really upset about Dumbledore dying," Hermione sniffed.

"Rubbish!" Snape snapped pushing his ex- student into the classroom. "You never knew I would be here! I should be in hiding by now. Remember foolish girl, that I killed Dumbledore! Do not trifle with me!"

Hermione sighed, "Fine! You want to know the truth? Well the truth is I am a little bit sick of Ron right now!

To tell you the truth I have been waiting for the summer of 6th year since at least first year. That was when I first heard your voice lecturing about potions, it is so . . . sexy! I have been waiting because I knew that no matter what, you would always come back in summer, and that by 6th year I would be old enough for me to see whether the Slytherin Gryffindor rivalry we have, is similar to Draco and Harry's;- that somehow it is more?"

"Indeed?" Snape's look was indiscernible, and for a moment Hermione panicked that the gamble hadn't paid off. That was until she heard the soft murmur of "excellent" against her neck, and gave in to caress of the man in the sweeping black cape.

* * *

In an effort to distractfrom Snape and Hermione shagging, we will quickly flash to miscellaneous other pairings taking place around the castle.

* * *

-flash - 

Pansy and Ron in the prefect bathroom

-flash-

Hagrid and Sprout skinny dipping

-flash-

Sinistra and Binns in between the bookcases in the library

-flash-

Lavender and Luna playing with chains

-flash-

Tonks, Remus and Sirius frolicking in the sunshine

-flash-

Narcissa and Lucius on Draco's bed.

-flash-

* * *

You get the picture, . . . back to Draco and Harry.

* * *

Suddenly Harry found himself in the Hufflepuff common room. 

"How did we get here?"

Draco shrugged, "Don't question it, it hurts too much."

Harry looked down at his clothes, "And suddenly I am into brand labels?"

"I think it's meant to be my influence?"

"But we bought our robes at the same store!"

Draco shrugged, "Beats me."

Their eyes locked for a moment, Harry looked away, nervous.

"So . . .?"

Draco shrugged, "I'm feeling a strong pull towards Dean. We will have to continue this later."

Harry sighed as he watched Draco leave.

He felt horrible. It was like he didn't know himself anymore.

Actually now that he thought about it, he wasn't himself at all.

Harry looked at the ceiling, "Damn you J.K.Rowling for leaving me at the mercy of these . . . these . . . monsters!"

He only had a split second to contemplate that thought before he had a very strong urge to check in at the owlery, he had a feeling that Cho and Cedric wouldn't mind the company.

-wink-

* * *

(Only joking J.K.Rowling we really do love you!) 

Okay. . .I live in fear of what the reviews will bring. But any way. . .bring it on.

The point of that was to laugh at all the amusing varied situations, we as fan fiction writers put the beloved characters in. Alsothat although it is only what Ms Rowling writes that ultimately means anything, we are always able to bringcharacters back to life, or put things in that aren't necessarily there, as if what she writes means nothing at all.

Kindof ironic.

That was my social comment for this month. I hope someone gets something out of it.

If you are going to abuse me, please think about it first and explain to me clearly what your point is. . .thanks!


End file.
